Pigs aren't meant for TV. Or flip-flops.

I was at the grocery store with Monika. We were in the produce section. I found a little piglet running around, so I scooped him up and put him in my canvas bag. He snuggled down amongst the groceries already in there and went to sleep. He was ridiculously cute. Obviously, now I need to shop for my pig. But Fugi apples are $29.99/lb! That’s crazy! But my pig needs apples.

I catch up to Monika in the bakery. She’s unwrapping a baguette covered in salt. “I was going to make those appetizers with the filet mignon and arugula on garlic toast.” “Oooh, those are yummy. Can I have some of your baguette for my pig?” “Sure!” So, I tear off a good third of her baguette and pop it in the bag on top of my sleeping pig.

As, I’m leaving the store I run into this woman that I obviously know in the cart vestibule. I show her my new pig and we discuss the outrageous price of Fugi apples. As I’m talking to her, I see my sister Anita leaving the store. I run over to her. “Hey! Are you staying with Monika?” “No, I’m on my way home.” She did not have time for me OR my pig.

Monika finally finishes grocery shopping and we climb into this huge vehicle with a big bench seat in the front. Tara and Olivia (Monika’s sister-in-law and niece) are already in the front seat. I tell them about my pig as I get him out of the bag. He settles down in the foot well and goes back to sleep.

We get home, which is actually my friend Elizabeth’s house. We all climb out and I pick up my pig. Elizabeth arrives shortly after with a friend of hers. I meet them in the driveway because I’ve had to go retrieve the groceries I left in the car. They’ve brought dinner. I’m in the kitchen attempting to reheat a sweet potato tart and arranging fruit kabobs and Monika’s appetizers on plates. My pig is temporarily forgotten.

Time moves forward and my pig is now 5 or 6 years old. They’ve put him in a TV show. I’m watching the filming and wondering why my pig looks like a kid, “why does he have hair? He’s a pig!” He has Blagojevich hair. I realize that he’s half pig-half kid. Like a pig-faun. This is not what I wanted for my pig. And he can speak. The TV show is set at school. He’s at the cafeteria table with his friends. “It’s flip-flop season! I can’t wear flip-flops!” Insert laugh-track here. He can’t wear flip-flops because he has cloven feet, you see. Tragic.

I hate getting snow in the car.

Here's a recent one.

It's dark, snowy, winter night. I'm heading to a party. I know that Jeff will be there, so I'm all anxious. I pull into a parking space and get out of the car. The party is lame and I wander around for a while. I get a text message from Vince. He's sending me pictures of bottles of wine. I've decided to leave the party and am walking down the stairs, flipping through all these pictures that he keeps sending me. I get to my car and realize that I left the door open when I parked. Everything is covered in ice. My car is now filled with snow. Vince sends me another text with a picture. Irritated, I ask, "Why are you sending me pictures of wine?" "They're gifts!" "That's great. I have to get all the snow out of my car now. I'll talk to you later." I'm not sure how to get all the snow out of my car.