what are we feeding them?!?

I had volunteered for some sort of animal protection/rescue group.  Today we are in the desert leaving out white 1x2 in nuggets for the snakes to eat.  But first, we must make the nuggets.  

Before me is a large pile (taller than me) of a white, fluffy, sandy substance.  I learn that this substance is actually snake feces.  We are going to shovel it into a machine where it will be pressed into nuggets.  "We're feeding them their own poo?!?"  I think to myself. Anyway, I begin to shovel, when my nephew Paul tells me there is an easier way.   He dives headfirst into the pile until I can only see his shoes.  Then he rolls out, his body like the center of snowball, until he is covered in a 12 inches of thick, fluffy, snake poo.   Paul then peels the poo blanket off of him and comes back to do it again.

I take off my cardigan (to dive in) and notice that the guy standing next to me is wearing a mohair jacket exactly like the one I had in high school.  We begin talking about the coincidence of him finding it at Goodwill. I see that it even had creases at the cuffs where I had rolled the sleeves. "That HAS to be my old jacket!"  I'm so surprised to see it again.  

New and Improved Instant Messaging

My psycho, serial killer, horror movie villain father has been dead for a while. Once a year, from dawn to dusk, he is able to contact me from beyond by scratching messages in my skin. I have to do his bidding, or there will be dire, deadly consequences.

Today is that day.  I have received a message and I head out with my sister to fulfill his wishes.  I arrive at a businessman's grand house.  It seems his apple trees did not bloom, and I have been instructed to switch out the apples to better his business.  I do this and scratch a message back to Dad: "what next?"  He replies: "YOU DON'T QUESTION ME."

My sister, a friend and I head into a biker bar to wait for more instructions.  While in there, we reminisce over photos of us leaping naked off the bar roof last summer.

The End.

tell me again why we can't just fly over the bridge?

I'm in northern California, driving through some very picturesque mountainous forest in a convertible with a friend.  We are heading toward a bridge, but the car isn't moving as fast as I'd like, so I stand up with my head above the windshield, hoping this somehow gives us more speed.

Perspective changes and I'm now in Jeff's helicopter.  We fly halfway over the bridge and then turn back.  Jeff is heading toward the helipad at the base of the bridge, but we were too fast and missed it.  Second attempt, but now I'm in a parachute. I land on the helipad as if I was sliding down a slide and Jeff is there to catch my feet at the end.

It's a bad day when your T-Rex is missing.

There had been a perimeter breach at the Dinosaur Preserve.  All the dinosaurs were dead, but I couldn't account for the T-Rex.  So, like the good Dinokeeper and citizen that I am, I went looking for the T-Rex.  In my Prius.

I drove along the road that edged a grassy field until I reached a tall iron gate that surrounded the preserve.  The gate was locked, but I could see the trampled fence a few hundred yards away in the middle of the field.  I didn't want to off-road in my red Prius, so I decided to park it and walk to the white rental Prius that was waiting a mile or so down the road. 

I drove the white Prius to the same spot, but needed to back down the road some to find a good spot to enter the field.  I glance in the rear-view and see a cop behind me.  I know that he is not going to understand that there's possibly a T-Rex on the loose and I need to off-road in this rental car to find him.

Fin.

Vampire? FAIL.

I was a new vampire. There was a blonde vampire girl who lived in the house, too. She didn't like me and made my life a living hell. To escape her, I snuck upstairs into one of the boy's rooms and hid out for a while, reading in the dark.

It wasn't long before I was discovered. One of the male vampires found me and said, "if Josh finds out you're in here, he's going to be pissed." I could hear Josh's voice coming from the other room. Then Jeff Anderson burst in the room complaining that Tommy (his son) was making himself invisible as Jeff was trying to put him to bed.

I lamented to the unnammed vampire that "I can't even make myself invisible and these KIDS are doing it accidentally! I can't just appear where ever I want, either!"

It's tough to be a vampire.

by car...no, on horseback....no, via baby.

I was in Florida.  I decided to drive home.  East. In real life, east of Florida is the Atlantic Ocean, but on my map, Florida was more like the Baja Peninsula....plenty of America east of Florida.

Per my usual road trip rules, I had planned to stay off the main highways.  The going was slow so I checked the GPS.  "Ugh! I would never have gone this way had I known," I thought.  Perhaps I wasn't making much progress because I was now on horseback....with a GPS.  I thought, "it's a long way.  I should let my horse have a break."  So, I dismounted, found a stack of old hats on the side of the road and started gathering hay and grass and putting it in the hats for my horse.   The horse then wandered over to a muddy puddle for a drink.  As he approached the water, I looked away and when I looked back, my horse was now a baby.  A mud covered baby.

I get the baby out of the mud. I find a motel and stand the baby in the sink, washing the mud off.  The baby thanks me.  "How am I supposed to ride this baby home?"

The end.

Please to note:  this dream was highly influenced by the Dexter Season 4 marathon I watched yesterday.

Tool, a wedding, and gladiators.

Jeff and I went to see Tool.  It was a secret show in small auditorium.  We found great seats, sat down, and began watching the many tv screens around the room.  Someone came on stage, we thought to start the show, but really just to bring up a mic stand.  We decide to leave and come back.

It's good thing we left because I had agreed to marry my high school prom date on the beach later that day.  I head to the beach and meet up with my sisters at the hotel.  There was a ditch before the entrance of the hotel that would fill with sea water every minute or so, so you had to time your entrance just right. I crossed the ditch, a little wet, and found my room.  I had to figure out what I was going to wear.  I tried some white dresses, but decided on a dark blue flowered dress instead.  It was time to head downstairs.  In the elevator it occurred to me that maybe we should date before we just get married.  I mean, I haven't talked to Rory in years...I haven't even talked to him today and we're getting married in 15 minutes.

I get downstairs, and realize that it's a mass wedding.  Brides line up on one side of the circular altar, grooms on the other.  They march towards the altar, kneel, some official words from Man At Altar and ta-da! happily ever after.  I'm at the back of the line.  It occurs to my that I didn't get a marriage license.  Good thing there's this guy selling them behind this desk I'm conveniently standing next to.   Monika takes care of the license thing.  I'm now self-conscious about my choice of blue dress.  No need to worry, I have to go...Tool's starting up again.

Back in the auditorium, we've lost our good seats.  Jeff picks seats next to some loud, chatty women.  I can't see the tvs.  We decide to move back a few rows.  I end up sitting next to Kristin, my best friend when I was six.  An emcee appears and asks the audience some questions.  Kristin begins to speak about when we are children, things adults find ordinary are amazing treasures.  I'm folding a map of Oregon while she speaks, but  I know EXACTLY what she means.  On the screens, we're watching a time lapse video of tourists driving up to a Roman fountain in the middle of a busy roundabout in chariots lead by gladiator tour guides.   The horses all have claws...like lion's feet.  They pause at the fountain, get back in the chariots, turn the horses around and leave.  A minute later, more arrive.  This plays continuously.  Kristin is now telling us all that she and her dad collected 700,000 pages of newspapers.  More if you counted the pages that kept the other pages happy.  She moves on to say that she can taste cigarettes in the air.

We all leave and Kristin and I stop to chat.  I tell her that I didn't know that she smoked.  She said she started during that whole Hollywood episode.  She studied to be an actress, as did her sister Susan, another chain smoker.  We are walking up the stairs to her apartment now.  Susan studied opera.  I tell her that if she's interested in participating in the puppet opera, I know a guy.  Kristin says "no, thanks."  We're in her apartment now but she needs to feed the cat, so she opens a secret panel in the floor.  Of course.

The end.

An entry level job at the local drug cartel.

I'm driving my car. The drug cartel/mob boss, who looks like Donald Sutherland, is in the passenger seat. We have an argument, a scuffle, and I strangle him with the ceiling cargo net. Somehow I get his body into the backseat.

I'm irritated because now this is going to make me late. I have to meet a friend.

I hit the "Destination" button on the GPS, but it's not responding. The screen finally appears and I hit the address for my friend. Stupid Lady (GPS) is very detailed in her instructions. I need to turn around, so she has me made a left turn, but tells me "there's a car stalled in the turn lane. Go around it. And then..." I make the left turn, down a steep, curved road and end up at a complex of storage units. I drive around between the units and stop for a moment, contemplating what I'm going to do about the dead mob boss in my backseat. I get a text message from Ann, but I have to ignore it. I get another text message from Vince telling me to "Make sure the auditor is wearing those roof shoes."

I get back in the car and decide to head to The House. As I'm driving, I notice the beauty of the landscape. I don't recognize the city. It's sunny, beachy, lots of water....a series of islands.

I arrive at The House. I leave the dead guy in the car in the driveway and go in. I nonchalantly explain how I killed him to two other low-level cartel employees. "Come on, help me get rid of the body." We head out to the car. As I approach the car, I notice that he's moving. I open the door and say "heeeeey, you're alive!" while thinking, "he's going to kill me now."

We get him out of the car and I quickly walk back toward the house. Boss man takes a different route but catches up to me. "Are you going to kill me?" I ask. "No, I think you'll have to do the audit. You know....the deaths and the vats? You should talk to the girl who put roofing tiles on her moccasins." "Like shingles?" "Yeah, shingles." I have no idea what he's talking about, but soon learn that the area cartels rotate and audit each other and part of this audit involves vats of acid where you should wear shingle shoes.

Later I'm handed a professionally bound workbook with the reports of all the past audits. I flip through and read the comments and think, "somehow these people survived the vats."

Mob Boss comes over and tells me they've just done audits, so I'm safe until next year. And then I start contemplating how to accelerate your death when pushed in a vat of acid.